[Open...]
[To an overhead helicopter-cam shot of the Independent Nation of Doomshakalaka, anchored a short distance off the coast of Mexico. The view swoops around and in, approaching the flight deck of the aircraft carrier. At the dead center of the deck is an empty square of space, and inside of this -- visible even from up high -- is a wrestling ring, featuring a prominent black [SoE] logo on the canvas. Metal rigging equipped with light standards is mounted high over the ring on tall steel struts rising up from the four corners of the ring area. Here is the battleground where contemporary gladiators will, today, go to war.]
[Surrounding the ring area is a wide circle of floor seats, and rising up around this are tall wooden bleachers in an octagonal pattern. There's a seating capacity of easily several thousand, and the place is packed SOLID. Every seat is filled, and even then, people have been crammed in like sardines to fit a few more in.]
[An aisle runs from the ring to a rampway, which leads up to a low stage beside a large tent-like enclosure. An entranceway at the top of the stage leads into -- or out from -- the tent, which serves as the backstage area and locker room. Over the entranceway is a gigantic -- and by that I mean just plain HUGE -- video wall. We're calling that the DoomTron.]
[The jumpy strains of Junior Senior's "Move Your Feet" waft up, faintly, from the flight deck and into the clear evening air. Over this singular scene appears a graphic...]
LIVE!
Tuesday, August 31st, 7:00 p.m. CST
From the SoE's private aircraft carrier
~The Independent Nation of Doomshakalaka~
Off the coast of Texas!
[--And suddenly the music gets a LOT louder, accompanied by an INCREDIBLE ovation from the thousands of fans in attendance. The crowd is a mix of sailors serving aboard the carrier and wrestling fans lucky enough to secure seats.]
[And their eyes are all trained on the ring, where we find the man who made all this possible.]
[Mr. PB. Garish yet expensive purple suit, polished black Italian shoes, paper bag and all. There he stands in the center of the squared circle, one arm bent behind his back, his posture regal, proud, and authoritative. In his other hand is a wireless mic.]
[Does he even NEED an introduction? HELL yes. In fact, he's about to supply his own.]
[He holds up his hand. The music fades, and the ovation calms to an attentive silence.]
PB: Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Mr. PB. I shall be your master of ceremonies for tonight. And on behalf of myself and my loyal crew, I welcome you to my humble abode... of DOOM~!
[This sets off another colossal round of applause and cheering. PB patiently waits it out before he continues.]
PB: As you know, we've organized a real corker of a tag team tournament here, and we're all QUITE anxious to get underway. But first, I should like to invite into the ring our special ring announcer for tonight's event... the former WWA World Heavyweight and World Cruiserweight Champion herself... "The Red Angel" Misty Xiao!
[More fanfare -- and rather a lot of catcalls -- as Misty Xiao climbs the ringsteps and slips through the ropes. And why not? She looks absolutely STUNNING tonight -- swathed in a gorgeous dress of shimmering red silk and white strappy high-heeled shoes. No pigtails on this special occasion; instead her glossy black hair hangs loose in a layered style about her shoulders. She is also holding a mic. Misty flashes a bright grin as her leader gives her an acknowledging nod.]
[Then PB addresses the crowd once again.]
PB: Now, I would ask you all to please rise and stand at attention while our own Miss Xiao performs the Doomshakalaka national anthem!
[Quite a large proportion of the crowd does, in fact, stand up obligingly. PB gestures to Misty, who nods and steps to the middle of the ring. She takes a deep breath, smiles, and raises her mic as she begins to croon.]
Misty Xiao:
No inhibitions, make no conditions
PB: Miss Xiao...
Misty Xiao:
PB: MISS XIAO!
Misty Xiao: [Stops and frowns at him] What?
PB: [Peevish] That is NOT the song I asked you to sing!
[She hunches up her shoulders plaintively.]
Misty Xiao: Well, I don't KNOW the Doomshakalaka national anthem, Mr. PB!
[PB heaves a long sigh and pinches his nose through his paper bag.]
PB: ...I really shouldn't be surprised. I really shouldn't. Thank you, Miss Xiao, you may leave the ring.
[Looking slightly insulted, Misty exits to ringside. PB shakes his head and looks up as if beseeching the heavens for strength.]
PB: Can we get this train wreck moving already?
[Backstage before the tournament begins as King X, his lovely but deadly wife Viper and the Vagabond RJ Harris are in their royal locker room.]
RJ Harris: This is our chance to make tag team wrestling mean something again and for the good guys to come out on top of the evil Manifest Destiny.
King X: Don't forget Diablo & McClain as they along with others don't believe you have what it takes any longer to be in such a position as you are right now. You are a former WWA World Heavyweight Champion as well as multiple other championships with your most recent the SSW Heavyweight Championship which you vacated on your morals as you thought you weren't being the best champion for the Casino. Now you have made your first stride to getting back to greatness where you belong after besting Goliath & two other top stars for the SSW Liberty Bell Championship title and it will be my honor to be one half of the WWA World Tag Team Champions with you.
RJ Harris: I want to get my career back on track & I understand peoples doubts in me but they will all be shattered after this night is through. You are no lightweight either as you have defeated Malik Johnson in your short career here in the WWA and your match with Ronin just mere days ago was surely one for the ages.
Queen Viper: Men lets get focused on the tournament all of this excess stuff will be figured out as we go. The way of the warrior will come out in you two tonight as my Kiss Of Death shall be witnessed.
King X: This tournament is just like my royal chess board as it is thy royal King's Move which will be known tonight. My Eye Of Justice will open wide tonight on those evil doers as they will feel the End Point to their chances at WWA World Tag Team Title glory as we are thy warriors two & Honor Bound to glory!
[Scene fades as they finish taping their wrists for the match.]
Brigham Smith: Looks like a strong show of confidence by two of our contestants tonight, partner.
Seth Maverick: Pfft. They're not confident. They're delusional.
Brigham Smith: Right, right... Anyhow-- HELLO, folks, and welcome to this very special and unique broadcast, LIVE from the Independent Nation of Doomshakalala! My name is Brigham Smith -- sometimes known as "The Stormin' Mormon" -- and sitting beside me is my tag team partner and broadcast colleague, Seth Maverick!
Seth Maverick: Sup.
Brigham Smith: Gee, Seth, easy now... save some of that enthusiasm for the upcoming matches, would you?
Seth Maverick: I dunno, kid, I'm about ready to effin' burst already.
Brigham Smith: Heh. Good deal. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we'd like to thank you for joining us for the show, and as you can see, the seating here on the flight deck is sold RIGHT out!
[A ringside camera pans across the crowd. The shot stops on one particular man seated in the front row whose large, muscular build and boyish features ought to be INSTANTLY recognizable to any wrestling fan. It's Christian Light -- one half of the WWA World Tag Team Champions -- gazing around with a look of interest laced with mild suspicion. He has a notebook in his lap.]
Seth Maverick: What the fuck is HE doing here?
Brigham Smith: Hrm... well, I can only guess that he's here to scout the teams competing in our tournament. After all, Light and his partner Joey Tesauro are going to be facing the winner of tonight's event at Summer Games 5.
Seth Maverick: That son of a bitch had better hope it's not US.
Brigham Smith: Indeed, Seth...
Seth Maverick: I don't like it, kid. Fucking Light sitting there like he oughta be there. I swear to God, if he does ANYTHING but sit there, I'm going over and turning his nose inside out.
Brigham Smith: Fair enough. But I'm sure the last thing he wants is to get into an altercation tonight. He knows whose turf he's on, I think.
Seth Maverick: Huh. We'll see.
Brigham Smith: Anyway, this promises to be just a HECK of an exciting event, so let's not deliberate any longer! Ready to go, Seth?
Seth Maverick: Not just yet. Hold on--
[He reaches under the table and retrieves a bottle of beer. Using the edge of the table to snap off the cap, he tips the bottleneck to his lips and chugs down about half the golden fluid inside. Eventually he wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and sighs contentedly.]
Seth Maverick: There we go. Fire away!
[Then we cut from overhead to ringside--]
I'm goin' out tonight, I'm feelin' alright
Gonna let it all hang oooouuuut!
Wanna make some noise, really raise my voice
Yeah, I wanna scream and shoooouuuut!
Get a little outta liiiiiiiiiine!
I ain't gonna act politically correct
I only wanna have a good tiiiiiiiiime!
The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and--
[Cut to...]
[And we cut to ringside, where we find an announce table loaded with the standard announce table accoutrements. Sitting behind it are two familiar figures: Brigham Smith, clad in his typical neat dark suit and tie; and Seth Maverick, looking very dapper and uncharacteristically professional in a tailored black suit of his own. This lasts all of two seconds, though, before he hooks a finger in his tie and tugs it loose, undoes the button at the collar of his shirt, and exhales loudly as if he's finally able to breathe.]
BRACKET 1
Joey Average & Stringbean Melly
-vs.-
King X & RJ Harris
***MATCH TO BE ADDED***
Michael Lennox & Darkside
-vs.-
Jonny Catchphrase & Solomon Priest
[The crowd falls silent when the japanese symbol for "Darkness" light up the aisle way when a man steps out from behind the curtains, wearing a full-length sleeveless leather coat with the symbol of Burning Phoenix on the back. A lone spotlight shines upon the lone figure to reveal an ornamental combat mask on his face when Live's "Life Marches On" blares from the PA.]
Misty Xiao: Oh, I know this guy! He's in BPP. [Reads from her card] Um... hailing from Osaka, Japan... Standing 5'10" and weighing 250 pounds... He is Jushin Shinju-- jits-- uh-- DARKSIDE!
In the country
In the city
Life Marches On
[The figure makes his way to the ringsteps and lets out a primal scream before raising his arms into the air and the flames of the Phoenix shoot from the ringposts -- spooking the hell out of the poor ring announcer, who all but throws herself down, covering her head with her arms.]
In the country
In the city, skyscrapers touch the sky
Life Marches On
[The figure slowly steps into the ring and looks around at the fans before he throws out streamers to the fans before backing up into the center of the ring.]
In the country
In the city
[He releases the streamers from his hands and takes off his coat. He stretches against the ropes before he takes off his mask, as the music slowly fades out. Misty Xiao sheepishly picks herself up and straightens out her dress.]
Life Marches On
Brigham Smith: Quite an impressive entrance by Jushin Shinjitzu, wouldn't you say?
Seth Maverick: Pfft. This guy's a choad. All that pyro and SFX -- you know he's compensating for something.
[Over the sound system, the ominous tapping of the highhat begins the fever pitch of the guitar riff while laser lights zoom across the entranceway.]
Misty Xiao: Ladies and gentlemen, the following contest is scheduled for ONE FALL! Let's see who's first!
The farms and the orchards swell
With oranges and peaches
A little bit of truth as well
Politicians beat their drum
All the suits come a runnin'
It's all degeneration
Life Marches On
Life Marches On
Everybody thinks we're dumb
But we built the fire
Why'd you come and get you some?
What's the use in being so high up
When it's only gonna bleed you dry?
Life Marches On
Life Marches On
The stars shine brighter
Than in the city
In the country
In the country
I turn on the radio
Only leaves me down with the question:
What happened to our generation?
Life Marches On
Life Marches On
Oh yeah, yeah
Life Marches On
Oh yeah
Life Marches On
Life Marches On
Life Marches On
*CRASH*
[The heavy guitar laden first riff of AC/DC's "Back In Black" roars across the flight deck, accompanied by a flash of brilliant red pyrotechnics while a video package plays on the DoomTron.]
*CRASH* *CRASH* *CRASH*
[The next heavy riffs roar out, with more amazing fire flashes. The crowd rises to their feet to cheer the man, but unable to tear themselves away from the magnificent show.]
I hit the sack
I've been too long I'm glad to be back (I bet you know I'm...)
Yes, I'm let loose
From the noose
That's kept me hanging about
I've been looking at the sky
'Cause it's gettin' me high
Forget the hearse 'cause I never die
I got nine lives
Cat's eyes
Abusin ' every one of them and running wild#
[Red and White pyro streamers, burning bright ignite and engulf the entrance area in a bath of fire and brimstone. The crowd is on their feet and whipped into fury as they give The Wolverine an amazing ovation at the entrance area.]
Of a Cadillac
Number one with a bullet, I'm a power pack
Yes, I'm in a bang
With a gang
They've got to catch me if they want me to hang
Cause I'm back on the track
[Just as that all important phrase is said, two rockets fly down from the high steel rigging over the ring and blast into the top of the entranceway. This draws the audience's attention there for a moment, and when they look back at the entrance, "The Wolverine" Micheal Lennox is there.]
Misty Xiao: And here's his partner! From New Orleans, Louisiana... standing 6'2" and weighing 245 pounds... wow, lighter than this guy here, who'd've thought... um, oh! It's "THE WOLVERINE" MICHAEL LENNOX!
[Lennox stands on the platform, with a focused look on his face when he pours water over his head as he walks down the aisle dressed in ripped blue jeans with "Lennox" written down one leg, combat boots, taped fists and a black/red "Wolverine" t-shirt, and an old black leather jacket and a flannel shirt wrapped around his waist. His long tangled hair hanging down in his face while he rushes down the aisle and smacks hands with the fans before he steps inside of the ring and climbs the nearest turnbuckle before he gives the fans a double fist salute.]
Nobody's gonna get me on another rap
So look at me now
I'm just makin' my play
Don't try to push your luck, just get out of my way
[Lennox holds his fists above his head to the roar of the crowd. Then he takes his shirt and jacket off and throws it to the referee, Ash the Man-Soon -- who looks appalled at having men's clothing thrown at him -- while he stands in the corner with Shinjitzu. They stare toward the entrance, awaiting their opponents.]
Seth Maverick: You know, I really, really cannot stand this Lennox asshole. Shall we?
Brigham Smith: Well... I guess so.
[There's the sound of headsets dropping onto the broadcast table. Two seconds later, Brigham Smith and Seth Maverick dive into the ring brandishing the very metal chairs they'd been sitting on. Lennox and Shinjitzu never even see it coming before--]
[~CLANG!~]
[~CLANG!~]
[--They're laid out with hearty chairshots to the back of the head. The crowd is just SHOWERING boos down on the ring, but Manifest Destiny's compatriots are pretty amused by the unexpected attack: Misty is clapping her hands happily and Ash the Man-Soon gives an approving thumbs-up. Giving the prone forms of Lennox and Darkside a look of satisfaction, Brigham and Seth casually leave the ring and go back to their broadcast position.]
Brigham Smith: ...This could hurt their chances tonight, Seth.
Seth Maverick: Sucks to be them.
[In the ring, Ash and Misty glance at the downed wrestlers, and then at each other. They shrug. Misty raises her mic and carries on.]
Misty Xiao: And their opponents!
[The lights dim, as a heavy Synch laden sample cuts over the PA systems. Solomon's seen standing on the edge of the entrance ramp, with his head bowed, he slowly lifts it and keeps his sights fixated on the ring.]
# Some say the pen overpowers the sword
[With a steadfast approach he walks to the ring. No force can get between him and his destination. He doesn't acknowledge the stretched out hands to him or the cheers. Solomon just keeps on walking.]
Misty Xiao: [Dismayed] Holy CRAP, this guy is huge! [Falters, squints at her cards] Um... says here he's 7'5" and 430 pounds. For real? That's WAY huge. Uh... whew. Anyway. He is SOLOMON PRIEST!
# Lafayette peg boards be spinnin on turn tables
[He stops at the ring, moving to the corner and enters the ring via the steal ramps lingering over the apron watching the crowd. With a look of disdain, he hesistates before stepping over the top ropes with his long legs.]
# Nonnormative data, brain storage matter couldn't capture
[The music fades and he raises an arm to the air, to the mixed roar of the crowd.]
Brigham Smith: Good grief, where did they find this guy? Did he grow up near high-voltage power lines or something?
Seth Maverick: There's no way he's natural. If the Alliance had a drug testing program, I guarantee he'd've never got through the doors.
Brigham Smith: Neither would you, Seth.
Seth Maverick: Fuckin' A.
[His entrance done, Priest gives Misty and Ash a suspicious look as he stands by the ropes. He gives Lennox and Shinjitzu a look of considerable interest, however; they're only just starting to stir after their unfortunate tête-a-chair encounter.]
[Visibly intimidated by the size of this man, Misty takes a moment to pull herself together and continue.]
Misty Xiao: And his partner...
[A loud crackling comes over the speakers. It's distinctive because it's old, it's old because it's the greatest punk anthem of all time. As soon as the intro riff comes on the guy sitting next to you head begins to bop, your head begins to bop, the parents who brought their kids along heads begin to bop...I wanna be sedated, do you?]
#Twenty - twenty - twenty four hours to go
[The video screen comes alive with archived footage of Jonny Catchphrase in his prime, devastating facial expressions, suicidal posturing and down right inspired shirts light it up as the man himself appears on the entrance ramp.]
#Just get me to the airport
[Jonny raises a taped hand in the air and gives off the 'bull horns' to a MASSIVE chant of JONNY, JONNY, JONNY, he stands for a couple of seconds taking it all in as the music blares out all around him. Slowly his hips begin to bop, then his legs, then his chest all the way up to his outstretched hands...ROCK AND ROLL BABY.]
Misty Xiao: [Getting into it] Jonny! Jonny! Jonny! Whoo! Weighing 235 pounds, he is JONNY CATCHPHRASE!
#Twenty - twenty - twenty four hours to go
[Catchphrase begins a slow descent down the ramp, flared up jeans cover most of his silver wrestling boots, an SWF brand vest-shirt sits around his 235lb frame. But who gives a [beep] right, this guy is all about attitude entertainment and it shows. His head still jolts up and down to the music.]
#Just put me in a wheelchair
#Twenty - twenty - twenty four hours to go
[What have the fans ever done for him? Everything, he doesn't waste any time
in slapping as many of the outstretched hands in front of him as possible. He licks his lips and runs a manicured hand over his tanned face. He takes a look to the announce desk and raises a stick mic to the air, a deafening ROAR nearly blows the speaker system.]
#Just put me in a wheelchair
[Jonny slides into the ring and presses himself up to his feet, shooting an acknowledging glance at Priest. Then he prowls the four corners and surveys the fans with a growing smile across his mush.]
#Twenty - twenty - twenty four hours to go
#Just put me in a wheelchair
[Jonny again raises his hands in the air before slapping them down against his thighs, he spins and jumps from the turnbuckle before heading over to his corner.]
Seth Maverick: This dude is so effin' high.
Brigham Smith: I think he just has an incredible exuberance and zest for life, actually.
Seth Maverick: Yeah. What a freak.
[As Misty Xiao exits the ring, Jonny C joins up with Priest and glances over to where Michael Lennox and Jushin Shinjitzu are just now starting to get up, groggily holding their heads. They're quite obviously intrigued by the opportunity set in front of them.]
Brigham Smith: Well, this match hasn't even started yet, and already Lennox and Darkside seem to be in dire straits.
Seth Maverick: [Shrug] That's what happens when you slam the back of your head into a steel chair. Funny how that happens.
Brigham Smith: Funny, indeed...
[Ding, ding, ding!]
Brigham Smith: And we're off!
Seth Maverick: Be right back.
[Priest and Catchphrase start to go for the beleaguered Lennox and Darkside, but they hesitate as Seth once again slips into the ring with his chair. The Wolverine and Shinjitzu turn painfully at his arrival, but--]
[~CRACK!~]
[~CRACK!~]
Brigham Smith: [Cringes] Oooh, that doesn't bode well for Team Lennox, no sir.
[And with Lennox and Darkside once again laid out flat, Seth turns toward Catchphrase and Priest, flips them the bird, and steps out of the ring again. Solomon and Jonny C exchange an apprehensive glance, then turn to Ash the Man-Soon warily, as if expecting him to, who knows, call for a disqualification, or launch a surprise assault on them or something. Instead, Ash flicks his hand invitingly toward the two downed men.]
Brigham Smith: It seems the referee is going to let this match continue in spite of that unprovoked attack by my broadcast partner...
Seth Maverick: [Sitting down again] Unprovoked, my ass. Lennox is a dick. And that other guy is a victim of circumstance.
[Evidently taking the view that any opportunity is a good one, Jonny Catchphrase shrugs and drops to make a nonchalant cover on Shinjitzu.]
Brigham Smith: Oh, look at this! That could be it right there! The referee making the count!
1!
2!
3!
[Ding, ding, ding!]
Misty Xiao: Your winners by pinfall... SOLOMON PRIEST and JONNY CATCHPHRASE!
[And the fans are just THIS close to rioting. They know fair, and that ain't fair. Which goes to show they've forgotten whose tournament this is.]
Brigham Smith: Wow. Just... wow. VERY decisive and VERY fast victory by Solomon Priest and Jonny Catchphrase over Jushin Shinjitzu and Michael Lennox, Seth. Those two are going on to the semi-finals!
Seth Maverick: Hey, you gotta watch yourself in this sport, kid. You never know when someone's gonna come at you from an unexpected direction.
Brigham Smith: Too true, my friend. Too true...
The video camera is just as powerful when it records
Appallin' footage of cops breakin' the law
Mad at you because of what you saw, now they breakin' ya jaw
I been accused, of bein' internally preoccupied
'Cause the rhymes talk to me, and I talk to the rhymes
Clinically induced impulses reveal what's hidden
Written prescriptions, given by qualified clinicians #
To determine the motor coordination available
Those able to speak what I spoke, repeat my quotes
My systematic treatment approach, be deep in they throats
I inject the frontal lobe of the brain with a lethal dose
Of unspeakable dope, worse than opium smoke
Well-spoken like Washington Post, or a Fox News Network host
Scale intelligence like Wechsler Adults #
A couple years ago they had to put it on Napster
Ressurect Rip the Jacker, rip these rappers
For every second the clock ticks, I'm a attack ya #
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do
Nowhere to go
I wanna be sedated#
And put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no oh ho#
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do
Nowhere to go
I wanna be sedated#
And put me on a plane
Hurry hurry hurry before I go insane
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my brain
Oh no oh ho#
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do
Nowhere to go
I wanna be sedated#
And get me to show
Hurry hurry hurry
before I go loco
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my toes
Oh no oh ho#
I wanna be sedated
Nothing to do
Nowhere to go
I wanna be sedated#
And get me to show
Hurry hurry hurry before I go loco
I can't control my fingers
I can't control my toes
Oh no oh ho#
Goliath & Wally Renfield
-vs.-
Matt McClain & Diablo
***MATCH TO BE ADDED***
Aiden Stone & Damien Cruise
-vs.-
Stoners Anonymous
[An ovation rises from the crowd. She flashes a charming grin.]
Misty Xiao: Introducing first... from some place or other... at a combined weight of a lotta weight... accompanied to the ring by Wayne the Wino... They are Hemp Boy and Cottonmouth Kid -- STONERS ANONYMOUS! [Pauses, mystified] ...Who?
[Three men emerge from the curtains and head toward the ring. One looks like your stereotypical hippie with wrestling gear added on, a stoned look on his face -- undoubtedly Hemp Boy. The second is a big white guy going for the wannabe Jamaican motif, dreads and all -- might as well assume this is Cottonmouth Kid. The man shuffling along drunkenly behind them, with the mouth of a flask apparently glued to his lips, could only be their manager.]
[The fans, having never seen these men before, more or less sit on their hands as the inebriated trio enter the ring. To be blunt (haha) about it, nobody frankly gives a damn.]
Brigham Smith: The... uh... illustrious team of Hemp Boy and Cottonmouth Kid, folks. Yeeeah. They almost look like your kind of people, Seth.
Seth Maverick: I'll have you know that I consort with a higher class of stoner, Brigham. Not filthy rabble like this.
Brigham Smith: I think that qualifies as a "zing"!
[As Stoners Anonymous mill about in the ring, Misty wrinkles her nose at the smell coming off them. Pinching her nostrils, she raises her mic again.]
Misty Xiao: And their opponents... from some other place... at a combined weight of some-odd pounds... er... AIDAN STONE and DAMIAN CRUISE!
[Two more men walk down the aisle, waving to the fans and slapping hands. They get a mild "hey, we sorta recognize you" buzz from the crowd, but by and large the reception is not exactly overwhelming as Stone and Cruise make their way to the ring area and slide into the squared circle.]
Brigham Smith: So what do we know about this young team, Seth?
Seth Maverick: Fuck all?
Brigham Smith: ...Right.
[The two teams go to their corners, discussing last minute strategy before the bell. But Misty Xiao doesn't leave the ring just yet, her job evidently not quite finished.]
Misty Xiao: And now a VERY special treat! Presiding over this match will be none other than our very own master of ceremonies! So please welcome the leader of the Syndicate of EVIL -- MR. PB!
[A chorus of boos rises from the crowd, but it's partially drowned out as Queen's "Princes of the Universe" blasts over the PA system. A moment later the curtained entrance parts, and out marches -- yes -- Mr. PB himself, his head held high. The SoE leader makes his way to ringside at a brisk pace, climbs the steps, ducks between the ropes, and stands beside Ash the Man-Soon, flicking his gaze toward the rather bewildered expressions on the faces of the tag team wrestlers. PB gestures at Misty, who hands the mic to him with a grin and slips out of the ring.]
PB: [Turning to address the two tag teams] Now, I'm sure you're positively HOPPING to know what I have in store for you. So I shan't keep you waiting a second longer.
[And then he does. But only for a second.]
PB: I've decided that you lot will be competing in a VERY special match-up which I've just now devised. Oh, it's sheer brilliance, I can assure you! So prepare well -- for you will be facing off for the right to move on to the semi-final round, in the FIRST EVER...
[Dramatic pause.]
PB: ...Rock-Paper-Scissors Match!
[A genuine "WTF" murmur emanates from the stands. That same sentiment is visibly etched on the faces of Stone, Cruise and the members of Stoners Anonymous.]
PB: Oh, don't give me that stupid look. Yes, I realize it comes naturally for you, but do try to stifle it. Anyhow, you know how this works. You face off with him-- [Indicating Stone and Hemp Boy] --and you face off with him. [Pointing to Cruise and Cottonmouth Kid] If one member of each team wins, the two winners face off in a tiebreaker. Got it? Good! On the count of three, then!
[The wrestlers are wearing looks of bemusement, but evidently the word of the SoE leader is going to be edict. So, shaking their heads, the two teams go into ready poses, staring off.]
PB: Ready?
[~CRACK!~]
[~CRACK!~]
[~CRACK!~]
[And down go all four men, who obviously never saw Brigham and Seth slip into the ring with metal chairs. Wayne the Wino has wisely bolted for the ropes, but in his drunken state he trips on the bottom rope and goes headlong to the floor. Much to the fans' amusement, naturally.]
[As Manifest Destiny casually exit the ring again with their increasingly mangled chairs, PB and Ash shake their heads disapprovingly at the unconscious wrestlers lying facedown on the canvas.]
PB: Egad, people, I'm VERY disappointed in this showing. So VERY disappointed. You four are just PATHETIC. [Shakes his fist angrily] You don't DESERVE to be in my tournament. You're all eliminated! I want you off my ship post-haste!
[The irate SoE leader turns and peers toward the entranceway.]
PB: Skipper! Dispose of these... LOUTS... immediately!
[A few seconds later, the curtains seem to explode out and up -- and then a forklift roars out into the aisle, painted an ominous black, with racy orange flames on the sides, carrying a rough wooden pallet. Skipper is at the wheel, wearing the stoic yet content expression of a man who obviously takes pride in his work. He pulls up to the ring and disembarks, and begins helping Ash the Man-Soon drag the lifeless bodies under the bottom rope and onto the pallet.]
Brigham Smith: [Returning to his broadcast position] Well, that's an unfortunate turn of events for... uh... What's-his-name and Whozit.
Seth Maverick: True. Tough luck for Jackass and Numbnuts, too.
Brigham Smith: Two more teams' dreams of glory have been broken here tonight, Seth, and all that can be said about that is, I guess it wasn't meant to be... Meanwhile, the winners of our opening round WILL be back out here for the semi-final round, and that should be a DEFINITE barnburner. Don't you think so?
Seth Maverick: Eh.
Brigham Smith: Well said, partner.
Misty Xiao: Okay folks, here comes our FOURTH and FINAL match of the opening round! So let's get it started!
One...
Two...
[~CRACK!~]
MATCH 1
King X & RJ Harris
-vs.-
Jonny Catchphrase & Solomon Priest
[This is met with a LOUD cheer of anticipation.]
Misty Xiao: [Nods] Yeah! I say whoo, too! So awaaaaay we go!
[On cue, the lights go down and a single red spot light comes on over the DoomTron and a voice over comes on the PA System.]
1...2...Harris is coming for you
[Vagabond By Mighty Raw starts to play as R. J. Harris explodes out of the back. He walks to the ring with his hands held high and a Kendo Stick wrapped in barbwire. Making his way to the ring, he slides in and goes to his corner where he sits down and waits.]
Misty Xiao: Please welcome back, one half of Honor Bound... R.J. HARRIS! And his partner...
[As the lights darken "Paranoid" by Ozzy Osbourne begins to play in the air as red smoke is beginning to come out of the entranceway. The smoke makes an X upove the entrance & then slowly but surely the royal couple comes out to ringside. King X comes out on a red & black horse followed behind by his lovely but deadly wife Queen Viper on a smaller horse who is dressed in a tight black leather outfit with a black belt around her waist as well. She is a japanese woman who is holding a dark red kendo stick with King X's name on it. They stop the horses on top of the ring entrance, dismount, and walk down the ramp.]
Misty Xiao: Once again accompanied to the ring by his wife and PONIES! ...Can I have one?... Oh, never mind. He is KING X!
[As they are at the ring there are red X's on lights on the turnbuckles as he gets up into the ring. As the song ends all lights go back to normal and The King goes to his corner, joining Harris.]
Brigham Smith: Honor Bound won a real squeaker in the first round, Seth. TCW seemed to have them on the ropes, but Harris and King pulled it off in the end. And that's no mean feat, either -- Joey Average and Stringbean Melly are definitely no pushovers.
Seth Maverick: Too bad they bleed so easily.
Brigham Smith: Indeed!
Misty Xiao: And their opponents...
[The lights dim, as a heavy Synch laden sample cuts over the PA systems. Solomon's seen standing on the edge of the entrance ramp, with his head bowed, he slowly lifts it and keeps his sights fixated on the ring. With a steadfast approach he walks to the ring. No force can get between him and his destination. He doesn't acknowledge the stretched out hands to him or the cheers. Solomon just keeps on walking.]
Misty Xiao: Whoa, did he get BIGGER since the first round? Um... SOLOMON PRIEST, ladies and gentlemen!
[He stops at the ring, moving to the corner and enters the ring via the steal ramps lingering over the apron watching the crowd. With a look of disdain, he hesistates before stepping over the top ropes with his long legs. The music fades and he raises an arm to the air, to the mixed roar of the crowd.]
[Then...]
[A loud crackling comes over the speakers. It's distinctive because it's old, it's old because it's the greatest punk anthem of all time. As soon as the intro riff comes on the guy sitting next to you head begins to bop, your head begins to bop, the parents who brought their kids along heads begin to bop...I wanna be sedated, do you?]
[The video screen comes alive with archived footage of Jonny Catchphrase in his prime, devastating facial expressions, suicidal posturing and down right inspired shirts light it up as the man himself appears on the entrance ramp -- raising a taped hand in the air and giving off the 'bull horns' to a MASSIVE chant of JONNY, JONNY, JONNY.]
Misty Xiao: Jonny! Jonny! Jonny! Whoo! Here he is again -- JONNY CATCHPHRASE!
[Catchphrase begins a slow descent down the ramp. His head still jolts up and down to the music. Then Jonny slides into the ring and presses himself up to his feet, shooting an acknowledging glance at Priest before heading over to his corner.]
Seth Maverick: I still say that guy is too perky to be sober.
Brigham Smith: What, you think everyone should be miserable and sullen, like you?
Seth Maverick: Yes! Then, hopefully, they'd go off 'emselves and leave me the fuck alone.
Brigham Smith: ...Good call. In any case, we have a VERY interesting match-up here in our semi-final round, and one which we might not have predicted from looking at the brackets. As we said, the formidable TCW was routed by the SSW duo of Harris and King, teaming up for the first time... Meanwhile, a bonafide legend, Michael Lennox--
Seth Maverick: Jackass, you mean.
Brigham Smith: --Eh... yeah. Meanwhile, HE and his partner got trounced in mere SECONDS by this very new team of Catchphrase and Priest.
Seth Maverick: Shitty effort by the "Wolverine", all told.
Brigham Smith: Having a chair bent over his head certainly didn't help, eh?
Seth Maverick: Yeah, funny how that happens.
[Ding, ding, ding!]
Brigham Smith: Anyway, this thing is ON. And we have the MASSIVE Solomon Priest starting off against King X... who looks like a midget -- sorry, a "little person" -- by comparison.
Seth Maverick: Priest probably uses guys like His Majesty King Ass to floss the lint out between his toes.
Brigham Smith: ...What a pleasant image.
[Demonstrating a strong sense of self-restraint, King X doesn't hurl himself immediately at Priest, who is peering down at the smaller man with a frown. Instead he starts off circling the big man, darting in now and again as if to feel out his opponent's reactions. Priest, swiveling in place to keep King in front of him, responds to this tactic by lunging forward with his giant hands poised to grab him -- but King ducks out of the way, and immediately lays a series of stiff kicks into the back and front of Priest's thick knee joint. Solomon reacts more with annoyance than pain, though; he turns and swings an arm at King, clocking him in the head and knocking him stumbling away.]
Seth Maverick: Hah! That'll rattle a crown.
Brigham Smith: That'll ring the King's bell...
[Priest is on the move, stalking after King -- but King dodges to one side and then slips behind him, hacking away at the knee again with two or three well-placed kicks to the back of the joint. Solomon grunts and scowls, evidently feeling it THAT time, and whirls around with a back elbow. King sees it coming, though, and ducks the blow.]
Brigham Smith: Nimble move right there--
[Only to be clobbered across the face as Priest swings his arm forward again!]
Seth Maverick: Hah! Ahahaha!
[Staggered, King clasps his face painfully and does a slow circle, trying to regain his bearings. Priest doesn't give him the chance. He grabs King by the arm and shoots him forcefully to the ropes. Priest swings a tree-trunk-like leg up for a big boot -- but King grabs and holds the top rope, stopping himself, and Solomon boots nothing but air. This leaves him open, and King capitalizes: charging in and nailing him in the supporting leg with a low dropkick. Priest flinches and stumbles slightly. This has an effect on King like blood in the water has on a shark. He launches another flurry of blows against that same leg -- to the shin, the knee, the thigh, every sharp kick landing with a smack.]
Brigham Smith: Well, this is definitely a good way to take on someone like Solomon Priest. King can't hope to match power or size with him, so why not try to take away some of that physical advantage?
Seth Maverick: He can TRY... but Solomon's got legs like frickin' pillars.
Brigham Smith: Maybe so, but if you keep kicking them...
Seth Maverick: You break your foot? ...What? That's what'd happen.
[King X is persistently attacking that leg, making it his personal vendetta and nemesis, and Priest appears to be a long way from enjoying it. But abruptly the giant whips around, clamps his catcher's-mitt hand around the head of the King, and thrusts him roughly away. King lurches to the side of the ring, using the ropes to stop himself -- but then he charges at Solomon again, his sights set on resuming his assault on the knee.]
[Then he gets an up close and painful look at that same knee when Solomon rams it up into King's face.]
Brigham Smith: OUCH!
Seth Maverick: That was great!
[King recoils backward, unsteady on his feet; Priest takes a moment to shake his leg vigorously, attempting to relieve some of the pain his opponent has inflicted. Then he lunges for King -- and FLATTENS him with a vicious clothesline!]
Seth Maverick: Score!
[Not waiting for the smaller man to get up, Priest stoops down, palms King's head in one hand, and muscles him up to his feet. Then he runs King into a neutral corner, SLAMS him against the turnbuckles, and proceeds to club him over... and over... and over... in the chest with a gigantic forearm. The blows come down harder and faster as he continues, as if Solomon is getting angrier with every passing second.]
Brigham Smith: Man, Solomon Priest is doing a NUMBER on the King of SSW right now. He's liable to crush this man's ribs at this rate.
Seth Maverick: Not to worry, kid -- King Ass is gonna call in the Knights of the Round Table any second now! Just wait and see!
Brigham Smith: If he had any breath in him, maybe he WOULD.
[Finally Priest pauses his assault, and King starts to slump down in the corner... but Solomon wraps both meaty hands around his neck, hoists him upright and then right off his feet. Turning around, Priest hurls King X by the throat back into the middle of the ring. King lands hard, holding his back painfully. And then Solomon dashes up and PUNTS him DIRECTLY in the spine.]
Brigham Smith: JEBUS!
Seth Maverick: You know, I kind of like this guy.
Brigham Smith: If this keeps up, we could end up facing him at the end of the night, you know, Seth.
Seth Maverick: I said I LIKED him, Brig. I didn't say I FEARED him.
[Again lifting the beleaguered King to his feet, Priest whips him to the ropes. King rebounds, right into the waiting arms of Solomon, who scoops him up -- and then tosses him HIGH overhead with a fallaway slam!]
Brigham Smith: This is getting painful to watch.
Seth Maverick: Yeah, I know, it's wicked. You think if Solomon kills him, it'd be considered regicide?
Brigham Smith: ...It just might be, at that. Anyway, King X landed HARD on that throw, rolling almost right into his own corner... and R.J. Harris is reaching down for the tag. King pushing himself up with an effort... and he makes the tag! Harris EXPLODING out of the corner to attack Solomon Priest! Tattooing the big man with snapping fists to the face, though he has to throw them pretty high to connect!
Seth Maverick: Oh yeah, I'm sure Harris is gonna do MUCH better than King Ass.
Brigham Smith: Hey now, Harris is a former WWA World Heavyweight Champion, you know!
Seth Maverick: Get the fuck out. Seriously? Were they handing out the belt to the first comer, or what?
Brigham Smith: ...Possibly.
[The relentless shots from Harris seem to have stopped the monstrous Priest in his tracks, and Harris, gaining confidence, takes a step back and readies himself to deliver a knockout blow. But he doesn't get the chance -- Priest lashes out with one of his long arms, grabs Harris by the head, and pulls him RIGHT into a MERCILESS knee to the midsection. The SSW star folds over with a grunt, and Solomon sends him facedown with a clubbing forearm blow across the spine. The pissed-off look on Priest's face is not one you'd want to see in a dark alley. Or anywhere, really.]
Brigham Smith: This man is proving to be extremely hard to take down. And I think he's getting annoyed with everybody trying to do it.
Seth Maverick: I hear that. Story of our lives.
Brigham Smith: Nicely said, partner. And Solomon Priest is now hauling R.J. Harris back to his feet...
[...Where he immediately clamps on a front facelock and tosses Harris's arm up over his neck. Priest snatches a handful of tights and heaves him UP for a vertical suplex -- but Harris twists, shifting his weight, and he goes right over, landing on his feet behind the broad back of Solomon Priest!]
Brigham Smith: Good move by Harris, and he-- OH! CLIPS the back of Priest's knee! Solomon isn't looking too sturdy anymore, Seth... Honor Bound have been attacking that limb since the opening bell, and the effort seems to be paying off!
[With Priest limping noticeably, Harris charges into the ropes, returns at speed, and plants a textbook dropkick RIGHT to the middle of the giant's chest. This sets Priest even more off-balance, and--]
Brigham Smith: Look! King X off the top rope!
[~WHAM!~]
[~"HOLY CRAP, HE WENT DOWN" POP!~]
Brigham Smith: WHOA! HOW ABOUT THAT ONE! King X diving in like the Flight of the Valkyries and NAILING Solomon Priest with a HECK of a flying bulldog! Looks like he CAN be taken off his feet!
Seth Maverick: Heh, and he had to fall that much farther before his nose hit the canvas.
Brigham Smith: Indeed, seven feet and five inches is a long way down -- and the fact of having taken down this behemoth seems to have lit a new spark in Honor Bound here!
[Indeed, Harris and King waste little time at this point: together they boost Solomon back to his feet, and each taking an arm, they muscle him backwards into a neutral corner. With Priest literally cornered, the two men snap off a series of closed fists to the face and boots to the abdominal area. Then, taking him by the arms again, Harris and King grunt and heave and succeed in whipping Solomon Priest cross-corner, where the big man collides with the turnbuckles with a resounding WHAM.]
Brigham Smith: King now taking Harris by the arm... he whips HIM across the ring, right for Priest! And-- SLAMS into Solomon with a RECKLESS avalanche in the corner! The air seemingly knocked out of Priest here, and Harris takes him by the head-- snap mares him down to the mat. And King is on the move!
[~"OHH, THAT'S GOTTA HURT" GROAN!~]
Seth Maverick: Shit! Hahaha... that was NASTY!
Brigham Smith: Double low dropkick by Harris and King, to the front AND back of Solomon Priest's giant noggin at the same time!
Seth Maverick: Now that's entertainment!
[King heads back to his corner as Harris pushes the glassy-eyed Priest down on his back for the cover. Dutifully, Ash the referee drops for the count...]
1...
Brigham Smith: ...And Priest with a pretty strong kickout there, at about the one-and-a-half mark. Still looks a bit out of it, though. Harris is now hauling the big man to his feet, and starting to lead him over to the Honor Bound corner, where King is reaching for the tag... WHOA! NO such luck, as Priest wraps those HUGE arms around the waist of Harris -- heaves him WAY UP -- and DRIVES him with a BRUTAL-looking belly-to-back suplex! Almost a backdrop driver!
Seth Maverick: This is getting good.
[Solomon Priest gets back to his feet, shaking his head a little to clear the cobwebs. When he spots Harris on the mat, curled up and clutching his neck, a look of malice crosses the face of Priest, and he stomps his foot down, hard, on any part of Harris he can. And he does it over, and over, and over, seeming to flatten the SSW wrestler a little more each time.]
Brigham Smith: ...Yeah, you DON'T want to get on Solomon's bad side.
Seth Maverick: You mean those aren't love stomps?
[Letting up for a moment, Priest stoops down and drags the slightly tenderized Harris to his feet. Priest starts to lead him toward his own corner, where Jonny Catchphrase is leaning over the top rope, waving his hand enthusiastically for the tag.]
Brigham Smith: Priest reaching to tag in Jonny C -- but King X just BOLTED into the ring like a shot! OOHH! CHOPBLOCK to the back of Priest's weak knee, and it collapses out from under him!
Seth Maverick: Gotta admire the focus of these guys. They should aim to break his leg off completely.
Brigham Smith: They could be working their way up to that... But meanwhile, Harris is free of Priest's clutches, and he and King are now turning Priest away from his corner, setting him up in a double front facelock--
[~WHAM!~]
Brigham Smith: MAN! WHAT a spiking double DDT!! Solomon Priest laid out FLAT! And Harris and King, like a couple of pitbulls, are just all OVER him now -- dropping elbows like MAD on the big man!
Seth Maverick: Well, yeah, you think they want him to get UP?
Brigham Smith: Good point! Jonny Catchphrase seems to be having some issues with this, though...
[Over in Catchphrase Central, Jonny C is angrily shouting at Ash the Man-Soon and demanding to know why he's allowing this blatant and continuous double-teaming. Ash cups a hand deafly to his ear and leans in really close to Jonny C, furrowing his brow as if in a concerted effort to hear the man's voice. --Meanwhile, the elbowdropping continues just behind him, with some stomping and kneedropping thrown in for good measure, as Solomon Priest is thoroughly battered while he's down.-- And in the corner, it gets to the point where Jonny is literally screaming in Ash's ear. Ash finally cringes and makes a face, no longer able to pretend that his eardrums aren't being busted in by the close-range shouting. Then he glances at the flagrant double-teaming, and shrugs indifferently. Much to Jonny C's exasperation, of course.]
Brigham Smith: The referee apparently having NO problem with the double-team tactics going on in there. And Jonny C apparently taking that as a green flag, himself -- as he ducks between the ropes and charges RIGHT for Honor Bound!
[A RAUCOUS cheer goes through the crowd as Catchphrase makes a beeline for King X and clotheslines him into the ropes -- not only INTO, but UP and OVER, and clear to the outside! R.J. Harris turns away from the sitting-up form of Solomon Priest just in time to glimpse Jonny C coming for him next... and in the next instant Harris is driven HARD to the canvas with an exuberant swinging neckbreaker!]
Brigham Smith: Jonny C is clearing house!
Seth Maverick: You'd think he'd be tired after his grueling three-second match with Lennox and Darkside.
Brigham Smith: Indeed, but no, this man is tapping some deep, deep reserves here!
[As Solomon picks himself up and Harris rolls to one side, clutching at his neck, Jonny C goes into a ready pose, staring right at King X, who is sliding back into the ring. Catchphrase flashes a smirk and taunts King to come at him. King does, going into a bull charge -- and falling prey to the trap, as Jonny C trips him up with a drop toe hold! King's face ricochets off the canvas, and he immediately brings his hand up and gingerly prods his abused nose... only to have a MASSIVE leg dropped across the back of his head by one Solomon Priest!]
Brigham Smith: Ohhhh... that was NOT pretty!
Seth Maverick: King Ass Pâté, anyone?
Brigham Smith: I think I'll pass on that, thanks... And Jonny C is now going back to his corner, as Solomon Priest scrapes up the greasy smear that used to be King X, runs him to the side of the ring -- and sends him flying to the floor below courtesy of Air Solomon!
[A ringside camera gets an uninhibited view of King X flopping awkwardly to the mats like a rag doll, accompanied by a sick SMACK noise.]
Seth Maverick: HA! AHAHAHA! Show it again!
Brigham Smith: No time for that, partner--
Seth Maverick: Goddamn it!
Brigham Smith: --Because Priest is now stalking Harris, who is back on his feet and wisely keeping his distance...
[Indeed, Harris is watching Priest warily and circling around the ring, waiting for an opening. Solomon doesn't give him time to find one -- he darts forward, making Harris instinctively dart back, but this movement puts him squarely in a corner. Priest moves in on him with violent purpose, blocking Harris's attempt to escape by catching him with an arm and slamming him back against the turnbuckles. Priest clasps Harris's head in both hands, puts on a sadistic sneer, and proceeds to ram his own forehead into the skull of R.J.]
Brigham Smith: Good GRIEF! UnGODly headbutt!
Seth Maverick: Just like crackin' oysters!
Brigham Smith: Let's just hope Priest doesn't get it in his mind to snack on the inside of Harris's head, here...
[Priest evidently has other things in mind: taking the groggy Harris by a handful of hair, he leads him over to Jonny C's corner. Solomon makes the tag to Catchphrase, and then puts Harris in a front facelock. He lifts R.J. vertical as Catchphrase ascends to the top rope... and Jonny C LAUNCHES himself with a flying cross-body press to the upside-down Harris, adding double the impact to Priest's suplex!]
Brigham Smith: NICE double-team effort by Priest and Catchphrase! Jonny C staying on Harris for the cover!
[Ash drops to make the count...]
1...
2--
Brigham Smith: And a shoulder up at two.
[Catchphrase is going right back on the attack, though. He brings Harris to his feet and whips him to the ropes. Harris rebounds, and Jonny C charges in -- and CONNECTS with a SOLID spinning heel kick that puts R.J. down again. Jonny C drops to cover, but Harris rolls out of range, putting some distance between them so he can catch a breather. Catchphrase is having none of that, as he goes right over and grabs Harris by the hair, drags him back to his feet. Now it's a whip into a neutral corner -- Harris's back hitting the turnbuckles hard.]
Brigham Smith: A big grin on the face of Jonny Catchphrase as he moves in on the fatigued R.J. Harris here... Jonny C rearing his arm back and--
[~SMACK!~]
[~WHOO!~]
Brigham Smith: NASTY knife-edge chop across the chest!
Misty Xiao: Ladies and gentlemen, it's time for the SEMI-FINAL ROUND!
3...4...Better lock your door
5...6...Pray to your crucifix
7...8...Better train real late
9...10.. You will never wrestle again.